This is the thing with my bipolar experience. Things can go so well for so long and then bam! It changes, warps it’s shape. Needs a new drug. So, I tried one a month ago. Unfortunately the side effects were terrible for me. Now my anxiety is so uncomfortable, and almost uncontrollable. I’m on a new med, just Newley approved by Manitoba health for coverage. It’s called pregablin. Lyrica for nerve pain, but in this dose works and by this name, for anxiety. It works for me during the day for the most part. Then comes the evening and by nine, boom, panic sets in. I get so frustrated. I use my CBT, DBT, and breathing skills and nothing works. I’m headed back to the Psychiatrist so hopefully I will work it out.
Life is so good right now. I am connecting with many people in positive ways. I am even hearing positive things about myself and accepting them. That’s key. I’ve never been able to actually hear and accept what people say as true. I’m always that weird girl in my head. Now I embrace the weird and spread that and all my love to those deserving folks and myself. Does that make sense? I try to spread the love to me too. That’s important.
So here’s the takeaway. I’m a bit of a mess and that ok. I can’t catch my breath as I am writing this because the anxiety is high. At the same time I am loved and I can share love with others and myself.
Sending all the weird and love out to you all.
So, I made a nice little deli tray for Michael and Me. We sat in the dim light of the tree and fire. We ate and exchanged presents. My spirits are back! Not because of the gifts but because we spent the time together listening to music and enjoying each other’s company. Now I am going to watch Love Actually and keep my Christmas spirit going! Merry Christmas!
This year I never caught the Christmas spirit like I usually do. In past years the tree goes up at the beginning of December, along with endless Christmas tunes. I hadn’t made any plans, hadn’t bought presents til recently and just over all, really could care less.
I put the tree up last week with no decorations because Steve the kitten would be way too tempted to cause havoc. It still looks pretty with only the lights. There are gifts underneath it.
My husband and I traditionally exchange gifts on Christmas Eve and then make breakfast for my parents on Christmas morning. I then often go into the city, this year Boxing Day , to see extended family and my nephews and niece. Unfortunately this year a blizzard is scheduled for Boxing Day, so that might not happen.
I finally put Christmas music on today while cleaning the house a bit since my parents are coming over. I started feeling more in the spirit. I really think that since my husband has been sick since June, gravely ill for 3 months, it feels different. I worry a lot about him. He has been my rock throughout the worst that my illness has thrown at me. Now it’s up to me to be the strong one. It really upsets me when I can’t be that every day. My husband totally accepts me and my illness and knows I can’t always be there for him. I think I am having a combination of guilt and worry. Not a good combo for my bipolar. So today I am going to banish those thoughts, listen to Christmas and enjoy in the best way that I can.
Merry Christmas to everyone who reads my blog. I really feel better after writing this down.
This past week has been an interesting one. It was my first home alone as my hubby returned to work from being very sick. I managed okay on Tuesday and Wednesday. On Thursday I had this crazy energy and used it to clean and do other chores. Then I lost all momentum in the afternoon. I took a nap and that’s when bipolar brain started. Negative thoughts started to trickle in slowly. Now I know how to cope with this using CBT and DBT. It’s just that it’s a constant battle. Friday was worse. After hubby came home from work we talked a bit. I was so all over the place and vibrating. It’s hard to explain. I watched a lot of TV on Shomi that night just to keep myself occupied and not let the thoughts come in. As soon as a show was over I was bombarded by thoughts. I finally broke down and took a Lorazapam to get my anxiety levels down. It helped a bit. I even wrote a small post for World Suicide Prevention day. Saturday was ok. I helped outside, had coffee with a friend and kept myself occupied. Still felt a lot of anxiety. Now today, out of no where, everything is fine. I am positive. Making plans of things to do during the week related to household chores. I am having totally “normal” conversations. It so bizarre that this is how it works. I guess what I am trying to express is that everything can change for the worse or better at anytime. I gotta role with what my brain gives me. My meds help a lot because I know it could be way worse. My husband says he knows my life is meant for other things when I worry about never being able to work again. I like that. I think it’s true. I have a lot to give this world. On my good days I will do what I can. Bipolar is what it is. I will continue on with my life with its crazy ups and downs. I will rely on all my resources when I need them. Thanks to everyone who is a support to me. Love you all.
I have been struggling with motivation to keep moving, knowing full well that being active will help my mental health. I go to an exercise class once a week, however this is not enough. A couple of weeks ago our instructor, Carrie, offered to do an eight week challenge in which she would post a workout circuit to do at home each day. At first I was gung-ho! I thought great, motivation because I will be accountable to someone, to the group. Well, I did it for two days and stopped. Classic move. It was too hard. Finally, I decided to talk to Carrie. She encouraged me to modify some of the exercises and the other day she gave me an exercise log. Now I can keep track of my progress of getting stronger. So far so good. Have done exercise three days in a row. That might not mean much to some people but for me it’s amazing. I feel better about myself not being able to do every exercise as many times as written down or for as long. Really it’s about the effort I put in each day. My mind is thanking me. My all or nothing attitude has been conquered! Nothing happens overnight and we can’t be excellent at everything we do. It’s very hard to remind myself of that. I have been so hard on mys my whole life, especially in times when my bipolar has been worse. All in all, I am proud to say I have accepted where I am at and will keep on trying to get stronger!
I haven’t written in a long time. No particular reason. My meds have changed, my moods have changed, my weight has changed, but basically it is going okay. I still don’t work and have applied for CPP Disability. My Psychiatrist thinks this is best. I was weaning of an antipsychotic and starting a new one called Latuda. I had never heard of it. At first I was lethargic but then I was so motivated to do so much. It was a really exciting feeling to be on my game again. The only problem is that today it tipped over the “normal” edge into buying something without thinking, being super revved up, a very small appetite and random crying. By the time I got home, my doctor’s office was closed. So, tomorrow I will call. I have had to take two lorazepams today. I feel more in control now so that is good. Thank goodness for the support of my husband. This is my life. I will stay positive. Thanks for reading.
An amazing thing has happened! For the past two to three weeks I have been feeling good. Not too good. So I know it’s not hypo mania. It’s a light feeling. I know how to deal with my emotions, how to express them. I am more present in my life. I am interacting with others more, I have even started walking again. Despite some really difficult situations that have presented themselves, I have stayed positive and comfortable with my choices. I am enjoying this. I have gone as far to say this is the best, the healthiest I have felt in my whole 38 years of life.
I have come a long way in the past few years. I have hospitalized 4 times, I have tried numerous different medications and many different strengths, and I have been involved in many counseling groups as well as one on one counseling. I can finally say that the hard work has paid off. I am on the road to recovery. It feels great to say this.
I use mindfulness everyday to focus on myself in the moment. It used to be really hard to do, now it is easier and it helps so much. I also have a great support system around me. Husband, friends, family, counsellors and doctors. I have created this and accept the help they give me.
I am so grateful for all the help that I have received from so many people over the past few years. Through all the work that I have done I feel like I have made good headway. Thank you to everyone who supports me. Love and peace to you all.